Should I Stay or Should I Go?

For a service member's spouse, dozens of decisions have to be made when preparing for a deployment. Should I get a power of attorney? Should I keep my job, or stay home with the children? Perhaps the biggest decision is whether or not you want to move back home with your family.

For some spouses, this question doesn't even need to be asked. If their service member is stationed at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska then thats where they will remain, no question, no matter what. For others, going home may be a viable option. I have actually done both, and can offer the following list of pros and cons for each side:

Reasons to Stay:

1. Its Convenient.
    Simply put, you're already there. There's no packing, storage, or disruption of your current lifestyle-whatsoever. If you leave, you have to pack away your house, decide what to bring with you for the next several months, pay storage fees, arrange transportation, and the list goes on.

2. No Early Goodbyes
    As I discussed in my last post, goodbyes are pretty inevitable in the military life, and if you leave during your spouse's deployment, you could be saying goodbye to your friends and neighbors for the last time. Staying put, at least, prolongs the time you can spend with the people you've met at your current duty station.

3. Unit Events
    This is a good one. No matter what branch of service your spouse is serving in, there is a person designated to reach out to and coordinate events for the families. In the Marine Corps, we call them the FRO (family readiness officer). They are great for bringing families together for events, especially during a deployment. Some meetings are for the sole purpose of education-specifically for new spouses, and others are simply to get together with other people who are familiar with your situation. Bowling nights, ladies spa day, fall hay rides-you name it, and the FRO can do it. Also, no matter how sad or lonely you feel when you arrive at the event, you will likely leave with new facebook friends, playmates for your children, and the reassurance that you can hold on for another month until the next event. Obviously, if you go home, you will miss out on these opportunities.

4. Proximity and Familiarity
    Picture this: your husband has been gone for 3 months, and you haven't received an email from him in two weeks. Your toddler drew all over the wall with a tube of your lipstick, and your refrigerator is suddenly dispensing brown water because the filter needs to be replaced, (a service your housing maintenance office no longer offers). At the end of a day like that, you may crawl into bed with a cup of herbal tea (or your therapeutic beverage of choice) and wish you could bury your head in your husbands chest and cry. Well he's gone, so instead you walk into his side of the closet, and breathe in his scent. You know the scent-the musky combination of his deodorant and body wash that lingers on his clothes, even after they've been washed. Or maybe you spray some of his cologne, and when you close your eyes its like he's standing right in front of you. So even though you haven't heard from him, theres a sense of relief because you can still feel him in the home that you two built together. Trust me, none of this exists, if you go home.

Reasons to Go:

1. Enjoy Family
    When you've been away for a long time, there is nothing like returning home. Whether you visit your parents or your in-laws, who doesn't love being surrounded by family? Not to mention, you get to hear them gush about how big and beautiful your children are. You may get to help your mother cook holiday meals-just like old times. 

You may get to see your father's face when he opens his birthday gifts, and you can take trips or attend reunions together. If you don't take advantage of this opportunity, it could be years before you get to spend this time together again.

2. Help
    We've all seen this meme.

...and many of us do all of the above, but lets face it-sometimes we just need help.
Sure, we are strong people, who manage to get the kids to soccer, maintain a moderately clean home, and cook a decent meal for dinner all while missing our spouse dearly, but we can appreciate a little assistance every once in a while. 

Not to mention the fact that the week following your spouse's deployment, your  car will need a new transmission, and the smoke detector battery will need to be replaced-and it'll start beeping. In the middle of the night. Nobody wants to handle all these situations alone. 

3. Save Money

    This one is a no-brainer. If you move out of your home at your spouse's duty station, and in with you family, you will save tons of money. Some deployments-depending on the length, type, and a bunch of other things- will provide somewhat of an increase in your spouse's income while he or she is gone. Without rent, utilities, cable and internet you would be wise to put away the majority of each paycheck into a savings account, or make double payments or credit cards, car notes, etc. Even if your family asks that you contribute for your portion of energy/water/groceries consumed, you'll be saving a lot more money than if you hadn't gone home.

**Keep in mind that while you've left home and matured, and started a family of your own, your parents have likely not changed. You may have a routine of doing laundry every Friday, but that may not be feasible in your parents' home. You may have adopted a vegan lifestyle for yourself and your family, but your mother may insist on feeding your children meat. These sorts of personal details are paramount when considering whether to leave or stay. For some, the extra money saved may not be worth living under someone else's roof, while others may look forward to it. 

So there you have it. The pros and cons of staying and leaving during a deployment based on my own experience. With the military lifestyle things are so unpredictable, no matter how much planning you put into it. So maybe at this point you wish you had made a different choice. The likely truth is: there's always next deployment.