Homecoming

Finally. The day we'd waited for, for over 7 months. Mind you, my husband had been back in the states for over a week, but since I was still across the country, my wait was longer than others. 

I already had outfits in mind for my girls, but had no clue what to wear myself. It was unseasonably warm for December in North Carolina, and raining, so I wasn't expecting much from my hair. My mother helped me in the kitchen as I prepared light appetizers-chips and dip, shrimp cocktail, Christmas cookies, etc. I had so many plans in my head-music, balloons, decorations-but was running out of time. I had made sure all of our packing was done for the road trip across country the night before, I helped clean the house, asked my father to hang the welcome home banner, and got the girls dressed. Time was flying so I started on my hair and makeup. With each passing minute I found myself getting nervous! My husband hadn't seen me since 5 days after I had our daughter. Had I lost all the baby weight? Would he notice my post-partum shedding? By the time I finished my makeup, I was feeling confident, and  realized I was thinking irrationally. So I threw on a dress, gathered the girls, got into the car, and headed to the airport. It was pouring rain by the time we got inside, so my hair was a frizzy ball, but I was so excited to see my husband, I no longer cared. I stopped into the restroom for a final look at myself, and as soon as we came out, there he was. I saw my husband and his brother coming down the escalator! Finally. Our marine was home. 

December 3

Today, I just want to wish my husband Alex, and our oldest daughter, Aniyah a happy birthday. They are two peas in a pod, and bring so much joy to my life and our family. I love you two. 

The Birth Story

  Recently my daughter, Alayna, turned 6 months old. So now seems like a good time to share the story of her birth. My husband was preparing for a deployment, and we had decided that I, along with our two girls, would move in with my parents for the duration. One month before my due date, we moved out of our home on base, and put our belongings into storage. (Our first daughter was born a week early, so we anticipated another early birth). At the time, it made sense to get the packing and moving done before I had the baby.  In the meantime, we were living in hotels and eating take-out and microwave meals.

                                                                            

just days before my due date, in a hotel

  When my due date came and went, I was feeling a lot of emotional pressure because Alex's deployment date was less than a month away, and I wanted him to have some time with the baby before he left. At 41 weeks, my cervix was still completely closed, and I hadn't experienced any contractions. At that appointment, I had my membranes swept (ouch) and in the days following, I did everything I knew to do to facilitate labor: squats, lunges, walked up and down the hotel stairs, dragged my husband and daughter to the beach for long walks, ate pineapple for 2 meals daily, I even elicited my poor husband's help for some not-so-romantic loving.

                                                                 




My troopers! Walking on the beach for hours trying to get my labor started   

                 
                                   

 

                                                               It Begins
   Our efforts finally paid off, when at 41 weeks and 3 days, I woke up feeling dull contractions deep in my pelvis. I was a bit confused, because I expected to feel them up higher in my tummy, but as the day wore on, they became stronger, and I was sure my labor was finally beginning! That evening, we were invited to a going away party at the bowling alley, and my contractions were growing in strength, but I participated anyway. I hoped all the physical activity would speed up the process. Sure enough, my contractions increased in length and strength, and by the end of the night I had to sit and really focus my breathing every 20 minutes or so to get through them. I didn't sleep very well that night, and the following morning I was in severe pain. I walked when I could but the contractions were becoming so strong that I begged Alex to take me to the hospital. On the ride over, I experienced the worst contraction yet and all I could do was cry. The doctor hooked me up to a machine to be monitored for 30 minutes, and left the room. Wouldn't you know, that for that entire time I never had a single contraction! Not one. The doctor checked my cervix and told me that I was still not dilated, and that I had been experiencing "false labor": very likely, the worst two words I'd ever heard. On the way back to the hotel, I had three contractions...

  When we got back to the hotel, I felt so helpless and defeated. I was in pain, but not enough to be admitted. I didn't want to walk anymore, so I laid down. My mother called, and I explained the situation to her, and she encouraged me to stay active. I didn't want to do it, but I got dressed and my husband and daughter joined me on an hour walk around our hotel. I must have been a sight to see, because a man walking out of a restaurant saw us, and offered to call the ambulance or take me to the hospital, and one of the maids asked if I was okay.

                                                               Dr. Daddy to the Rescue

   That night, I couldn't sleep a wink. The bed was uncomfortable, so I got on the couch. I was hot, I had to use the restroom every 30 minutes, and the contractions were the worst yet. I had been timing them on my "notes" app in my phone and they were extremely close! Just after midnight, I got up to use the restroom for the 100th time that night. When I finished, the pressure on my pelvis was so strong, I couldn't stand back up! I was moaning in pain, and Alex woke up and ran into the bathroom.
                                                                   

screenshot of me timing my contractions
(military time)

   "Is it time to go to the hospital?!" he asked. All I remember saying (or maybe screaming) is "I can't do this!"

 ...A little dramatic, I know. But with my first child, I had an epidural so this was new territory...

   I'm sure by this point I was screaming, meanwhile Alex was grabbing the hospital bag, and getting dressed. He came in again, and put my slippers, and dress on me, and told me he was going to wake up Aniyah, our two-year-old daughter, and then he'd come back to get me. I knew my legs weren't going to stand up. I had already tried, and they were just too weak. On top of that, I was sweating bullets, and couldn't stand the feeling of clothes on my body so I snatched my dress and slippers off. After another contraction, I reached my hand down between my legs, and to my horror, I could feel Alayna's head crowning!

 "I'm not gonna make it to the hospital!"
I told my husband. I remember grabbing his legs and squeezing them with every push. I asked him to call the hospital and tell someone what was happening. Thank God one of us was in our right minds: Alex dialed 911 and asked them to send an ambulance. I could hear the woman on the other end of the line. 

  "Is your wife in labor?"

  "Uh, yeah. I can see the baby's head. Oh sh-t! The baby is almost out!"

  Alex squatted down, and put his hands around her head as her body inched out, and after a few more pushes, she slid right out. Alex wrapped her in some bath towels, and handed her to me. Still on the phone, he noticed that she wasn't breathing. 

  "Is the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby's neck?" the woman asked.

  "Yes! What do I do?"

  "You need to slowly loosen the cord, without stretching it."

Yes. That's what she said. In my mind, I was thinking, how in the world...? But God's grace, guided Alex's hands as he removed the cord, and Alayna coughed, and cried, for the first time. The woman instructed Alex on how to clamp the cord, and minutes later, the police and fire department were in our bathroom! They put me and Alayna onto a gurney and into the ambulance.

  After this entire ordeal, Alex woke up Aniyah, (yes, she slept through it all), and they followed us to the hospital. 

  Alayna and I are both perfectly healthy, and she got to spend five days with her daddy before he deployed. 

May 5, 2015

6lbs 12oz

Why I Love Fall...

Fall is upon us, and it is without a doubt, my absolute FAVORITE time of year! It always has been. There is something special about the way the weather starts cooling off, and the leaves change, and the start of pumpkin and apple flavored (scented) EVERYTHING, and the way time seems to slow down as the holidays approach. This is also Marine Corps Ball season, and I can't help but be reminded of October 29, 2011, the first ball I ever attended. 

   Being raised a military brat, I never cared to date a marine-or anyone in the military for that matter. However, living in a military town, I inevitably met a guy one night when I was out with my best friend. We will call him B. So B asked me my name and we had small talk for a while before I asked him if he was a Marine, and he hesitated before telling me yes. A few minutes later, we were exchanging phone numbers. He seemed nice enough. The following week, we went on a few dates, and I started to see some personality flaws in B, and decided I didn't like him very much. Almost as if he could read my mind, he asked me if I would attend the ball with him. As much as I didn't enjoy spending time with him, I was excited to go, so I said yes. I know, that doesn't seem like the wisest decision, but it would soon prove to be the best decision I would ever make. 

   So for the two weeks leading up to the ball I got a beautiful dress, matching shoes and accessories, and found a gorgeous hair and makeup look that I could actually recreate. I was excited. At the same time, B and I were hanging out less and less, and I was beginning to suspect he was spending his time with someone else. 

   The morning of the ball, I was annoyed because I hadn't heard from B in two days, and was feeling foolish for spending money and agreeing to go in the first place. When he finally called to say he was on his way, it was an hour past the time we agreed on going and I was livid! If I hadn't bought a dress, I wouldn't be going, and I told myself I wouldn't even speak to him again after the ball. So when he pulled up into the driveway, I took a deep breath and grabbed my overnight bag. I barely looked at him when he rang the doorbell, apologizing for being late. While he made small talk with my parents, and assured them he'd take good care of me (pffft) I looked out the window and saw two other guys in B's car! As we walked outside, and he opened the trunk for my bag, I couldn't believe my date to the ball was going to be spent with a guy I didn't even like, and two other guys I didn't even know. To top things off, when I came around to the front door to get in, the passenger didn't budge. He didn't even look at me, and B didn't say a word. So I had to sit in the back seat. I got in, slammed the door, and crossed my arms calling him every name in the book in my head. I turned to my left looking at the other guy in the back seat. 

"Who are you?" I asked him, with a little too much attitude. He extended his hand, and replied,

"Alex". I shook his hand. 

"Nice to meet you, Alex. I'm Aseaba". 

For the rest of the 2 hour drive to Myrtle Beach, B was on his Bluetooth, and Alex and I got to know one another. He told me he was a Navy brat, and had been in the Marine Corps since he graduated high school, and I told him my father was a retired Marine. It turns out we didn't have much in common besides our initials, but he made me laugh and our conversation kept my mind off the jerk who's car we were riding in.

   Once we got to the hotel, and got dressed, it occurred to me that B hadn't said five words to me since I got into the car, and I no longer cared, but he could have at least complimented me on my dress. He was totally ignoring me. As we walked into the lobby, Alex was behind me, and asked if the letter "A" tattooed on my left shoulder blade stood for Alex, and all I could do was laugh. He then told me how beautiful I looked; *smile* tonight wasn't so bad after all.

   We ended up leaving early, because B wanted to head back and hit the club *eye roll* I was ready for the night to be over with. He hung his uniform up on the hook in the backseat of the car, so Alex had to sit on the hump in the middle and I sat in the seat on the right. B's reckless driving was tossing us around like crazy and we were crossing some major spacial boundaries. On the way home, the car was considerably quieter than it had been on the way to the ball, so Alex and I started typing words on our phones and showing one another instead of talking out loud. At one point we exchanged numbers and began texting our conversation. I found myself laughing more than I expected to. When we got to my house, I thanked Alex for making the night not-so-bad, and he and Mr. Front Seat stayed in the car. Once we got inside, B was hamming it up with my parents with made up stories about things that hadn't even happened and all the fun we had. I didn't even care. I was never going to see him again, and I was exhausted so I went straight to bed.

   The next morning, I woke up to a text from Alex that said, "good morning, ACA. Hope you have a good day. -AKA". I couldn't help but smile. After that day, we never went a day without texting or talking on the phone; which led to date nights, meeting one another's friends, the holiday parade and meeting my parents on Christmas Day. Alex proposed on January 15, 2012 and we eloped on March 5. 

   It's been a whirlwind, but four years, two deployments, and two beautiful baby girls later, he still never fails to make me smile. Fall will always be my favorite time of year: crisp, cool air, pumpkins and apples, and the night I met the love of my life.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

For a service member's spouse, dozens of decisions have to be made when preparing for a deployment. Should I get a power of attorney? Should I keep my job, or stay home with the children? Perhaps the biggest decision is whether or not you want to move back home with your family.

For some spouses, this question doesn't even need to be asked. If their service member is stationed at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska then thats where they will remain, no question, no matter what. For others, going home may be a viable option. I have actually done both, and can offer the following list of pros and cons for each side:

Reasons to Stay:

1. Its Convenient.
    Simply put, you're already there. There's no packing, storage, or disruption of your current lifestyle-whatsoever. If you leave, you have to pack away your house, decide what to bring with you for the next several months, pay storage fees, arrange transportation, and the list goes on.

2. No Early Goodbyes
    As I discussed in my last post, goodbyes are pretty inevitable in the military life, and if you leave during your spouse's deployment, you could be saying goodbye to your friends and neighbors for the last time. Staying put, at least, prolongs the time you can spend with the people you've met at your current duty station.

3. Unit Events
    This is a good one. No matter what branch of service your spouse is serving in, there is a person designated to reach out to and coordinate events for the families. In the Marine Corps, we call them the FRO (family readiness officer). They are great for bringing families together for events, especially during a deployment. Some meetings are for the sole purpose of education-specifically for new spouses, and others are simply to get together with other people who are familiar with your situation. Bowling nights, ladies spa day, fall hay rides-you name it, and the FRO can do it. Also, no matter how sad or lonely you feel when you arrive at the event, you will likely leave with new facebook friends, playmates for your children, and the reassurance that you can hold on for another month until the next event. Obviously, if you go home, you will miss out on these opportunities.

4. Proximity and Familiarity
    Picture this: your husband has been gone for 3 months, and you haven't received an email from him in two weeks. Your toddler drew all over the wall with a tube of your lipstick, and your refrigerator is suddenly dispensing brown water because the filter needs to be replaced, (a service your housing maintenance office no longer offers). At the end of a day like that, you may crawl into bed with a cup of herbal tea (or your therapeutic beverage of choice) and wish you could bury your head in your husbands chest and cry. Well he's gone, so instead you walk into his side of the closet, and breathe in his scent. You know the scent-the musky combination of his deodorant and body wash that lingers on his clothes, even after they've been washed. Or maybe you spray some of his cologne, and when you close your eyes its like he's standing right in front of you. So even though you haven't heard from him, theres a sense of relief because you can still feel him in the home that you two built together. Trust me, none of this exists, if you go home.

Reasons to Go:

1. Enjoy Family
    When you've been away for a long time, there is nothing like returning home. Whether you visit your parents or your in-laws, who doesn't love being surrounded by family? Not to mention, you get to hear them gush about how big and beautiful your children are. You may get to help your mother cook holiday meals-just like old times. 

You may get to see your father's face when he opens his birthday gifts, and you can take trips or attend reunions together. If you don't take advantage of this opportunity, it could be years before you get to spend this time together again.

2. Help
    We've all seen this meme.

...and many of us do all of the above, but lets face it-sometimes we just need help.
Sure, we are strong people, who manage to get the kids to soccer, maintain a moderately clean home, and cook a decent meal for dinner all while missing our spouse dearly, but we can appreciate a little assistance every once in a while. 

Not to mention the fact that the week following your spouse's deployment, your  car will need a new transmission, and the smoke detector battery will need to be replaced-and it'll start beeping. In the middle of the night. Nobody wants to handle all these situations alone. 

3. Save Money

    This one is a no-brainer. If you move out of your home at your spouse's duty station, and in with you family, you will save tons of money. Some deployments-depending on the length, type, and a bunch of other things- will provide somewhat of an increase in your spouse's income while he or she is gone. Without rent, utilities, cable and internet you would be wise to put away the majority of each paycheck into a savings account, or make double payments or credit cards, car notes, etc. Even if your family asks that you contribute for your portion of energy/water/groceries consumed, you'll be saving a lot more money than if you hadn't gone home.

**Keep in mind that while you've left home and matured, and started a family of your own, your parents have likely not changed. You may have a routine of doing laundry every Friday, but that may not be feasible in your parents' home. You may have adopted a vegan lifestyle for yourself and your family, but your mother may insist on feeding your children meat. These sorts of personal details are paramount when considering whether to leave or stay. For some, the extra money saved may not be worth living under someone else's roof, while others may look forward to it. 

So there you have it. The pros and cons of staying and leaving during a deployment based on my own experience. With the military lifestyle things are so unpredictable, no matter how much planning you put into it. So maybe at this point you wish you had made a different choice. The likely truth is: there's always next deployment. 

  

                                 

Home (Bitter) Sweet Home

Saying goodbye...
One of the toughest parts about being a military family. We say goodbye to our friends when we PCS to a new location, we say goodbye to other service members when they retire or return to civilian life. Today however, we are saying goodbye to my husband, as he leaves for his third deployment. Our two-year-old daughter, was four months old when he left for his last deployment. Thanks to Skype, she was able to see his face just about everyday during that 6 month stint, and she recognized him when he returned. This time, she knows daddy is going away on a ship, and he will be back later. Our newest addition, just 5 days old, doesn't understand goodbye. She doesn't realize that he hates to miss the majority of her first year of life. She's oblivious to the fact that he's the one who removed the umbilical cord from her neck just 5 days ago during our unintentional home birth (more on that later). In a way, I'm grateful for that, because while we understand and respect the honor of service to our country, goodbye hurts.

 On the bright side, my father is here. He flew across the country, not only to be with us on this difficult day, but to drive my SUV back across the country, with me and the girls in tow. He and my mother are gracious enough to let us live with them until my husband returns home. I'm looking  forward to seeing my hometown after being away for a year and a half, and I'm definitely glad to have some help with the girls, and save money all at the same time. Isn't family awesome?  

      So here we are at the drop-off location: the last place I will see my husband for the next 7-12 months. I don't know many people who cry more than I do, my husband can attest to this, but I held everything in as we made small talk with other couples in his unit. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I took pics of our two-year-old kissing my husband goodbye. I even squeezed my eyes shut during our last hug in order to keep the tears from falling. I got into the back seat of my car next to my girls, looked into the rearview mirror one last time to see him jog over to the buses, and could no longer contain my emotion. 
    After a few moments, I wiped my face and looked up at my dad in the rearview mirror. "So where are we staying for our last night before we hit the road?" I asked him. He smiled and said, "I'm thinking San Diego, but in the morning, we're hittin' the road".